Today is the day

Today is the day my partner and I make some huge life decisions. Firstly, we decide whether or not we want to be together after nearly 6 years in a fun but tumultuous relationship. We love each other very much, have a lot of intellectual and moral ground in common, yet find some of the daily grind with each other very difficult and have a few very opposing relationship-issue views. Second of all, we also must decide whether or not we are ready to have a baby… “SAY WHHHAAATTT??”. I hear you. We have to decide whether we will have a baby together because I have severe endometriosis. The doctor says it’s now or potentially never. HUGE pressure, right?

I’ve had 2 surgeries and a colonoscopy regarding my endometriosis. All within the last 8 months. My fallopian tubes are basically blocked and I have endometriosis everywhere in my pelvis (like a sauce splatter, so my OB/GYN colourfully says). They’ve scraped most of the endometriosis out, but the chances of it growing back are quite high… unless my hormone levels are taken care of, which is what being pregnant does… for 9 months. It basically buys me 9 months of non-endometriosis (the endo doesn’t grow for that time that I’m pregnant because it has nothing to feed on; I can’t go into the science because I’m crap at it! Google is your friend if you’re curious!) but after that, it could come back. Unless I just stay pregnant for the rest of my life, which sounds romantic in some way, but hellish in a more practical, realistic way… to me anyway 😛

Switching back to the relationship, we’ve had a few sessions of counselling which have been both good and bad at times. The last session ended on a rather somber note, of us having to decide what our minimum requirements in being in a relationship were to each of us, and basically comparing notes at the next session and seeing if we had enough common ground to stay together. That session is this afternoon, following the IVF consultation with an IVF nurse and our OB/GYN.

If we decided to split, we could come to some sort of agreement where he potentially donates his sperm anyway, but it would be messy and painful. I don’t think I could have a baby with someone who wasn’t my partner at the time and I feel like I’m not strong enough to go it alone. For me, it would be a choice between having a baby with my partner, or having no baby at all; endometriosis or no endometriosis.

This expression sums things up quite eloquently:Image

Millie is off sunbaking / napping so I can’t disturb her with my concerns (she’s available 99% of the time, but a pup needs to rest).

I’ve read through the paperwork and I think I know that trying IVF will be the path of less regret, but having children has never been on my life goal list, not like some people I know who have always longed to start their own families. I have my own personal issues that have made me hesitant in the past about starting my own family, but they seem negated by the medical urgency to ‘solve’ the problem of endo. Endometriosis is like cancer but is not malignant… but by golly, I would say it affects people in a very similar way. It’s not easy to get rid of and can change your life completely (I’m not in any way trying to minimise cancer at all, mind you).

Life is complicated, but tomorrow is promised to no one, so you must do what you can now.

Peace and love from Lizzie and Millie x