life

Don’t worry, I’m still alive, I’m assuming that’s a good thing?

As much as I love beauty products and makeup and sharing, life does get in the way and keep me away from these loves. My fiance and I have started Ice skating which has been really fun and he’s taking up indoor soccer too which is great. We recently got a foster kitten named ‘Hunter’ to accompany my shy little dog of 3 who is really coming out of her shell. I am on an intensive weight loss program which may have just been ruined by my binge eating tonight. My favourite lipsticks just have not been a priority. 

That doesn’t mean I haven’t noticed the new releases (Well the ones Australia has) or coveted this lipstick or that lipstick or that foundation or that setting powder. I want them all. But I can’t afford them all unless I win some sort of lottery and even then I can take care of business and then invest all my time into beauty and my love of dogs, because, if you didn’t know, Lizzie is my name and Millie is my pup’s name. Hunter has to fit in here somewhere, but we’re still thinking about that. Maybe he wouldn’t mind doing my makeup sometime 😉

Anyway I’ve missed you all and your beautiful photos and reviews and wonderfulness. You guys are so amazing.

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A completely self indulgent post

I have a couple of friends who keep asking what i want for my birthday, and it is such a difficult question to answer because my family have never really been good at giving or receiving gifts or made it a priority to think about them. I am basically going to write out my birthday ‘wishlist’ as a result, but it’s taken me ages to figure out exactly what i want because I feel really bad asking for things that I know I would want personally and should therefore just get for myself. Like I said, not really schooled in gift giving/receiving…

ANYWAY This list is for my friends (who know who they are!) who are asking what I want. I feel like a self indulgent child even writing that because there’s nothing I really need and of course, everyone wants something more and more and more…

Ultimately, the things I really want are beyond mine and everyone’s reach (to give) – that is, better health (specifically 25kg off my current weight), no more surgeries or health problems and a GAZZILLION DOLLAHS! All the products are linked to the sites to get them from:

Black Milk

Mecca Cosmetica

Hardtofind

David Jones

On another note, I’ve been absent for a long period, yet again, and a lot of things have happened. Life slows down for no one! I’m taking a break from IVF til next year, it’s been too heartbreaking and difficult and the Dr says I should take a break if my heart and mind isn’t in it, but I can’t take a super long break because the endometriosis will inevitably grow back and be a big pain again. I’m using this break from IVF to try to lose weight and get into a better eating habit and overall lifestyle. It is torturous to not be able to do what I want at this time of the year with many birthdays and social events happening, I’m not going to go crazy but I would like the option to not feel terrible or guilty if I choose to have a blow out once in a while. I’ve been learning a lot of fitness and nutrition things online and I’ll probably try to get into Yoga to get in shape in addition to weight training and cardio. Exercise is not my forte nor is it something I like, but I have to resign to the fact that without it, I will stay sick and get sicker.

Some good news is that we picked up my engagement ring! Yay! I still have my proposal ring and I’m wearing it on my right hand ring finger, but I am still mesmerised by the sparkle that is going to permanently reside on my left hand ring finger. It is a little loose and if I lose weight, I hope it’ll be super loose so I can go get it resized in a few months. We’ll see. The ring is 18ct yellow gold with a white cushion cut diamond in the centre with blush pink heart shaped diamonds on either side. It is everything I wanted. I am definitely a lucky, lucky girl. Despite the rollercoaster ride of our relationship, we’re going in the right direction and we’re settling down with each other and still having a good time, with less turbulence than before. I think that everyone should have the experience of having a relationship in their life that changes them or makes a huge impact, especially in a positive way. I have that with Mark and I love him more than ever. It took us a while to get here, but it’s also just the beginning.

I also now have a new computer, yay! I’ll have more beauty posts to come as I now have better and faster equipment to use and posting won’t be such a pain as a result. I’ve had my purse strings pretty tight lately so I haven’t gotten a huge sum of beauty bits, but I have discovered a few gems I’d like to share in a future post.

Til next time!

Some things to contemplate approaching thirty…

I was reading the news online today and news.com.au (Australian news) posted an interesting article:

10 things women in their 20s need to get over

Read the full article as linked, but here’s the list of 10 things in point form and I’ll comment on whether or not I’ve actually gotten over this issue or not in my own life, as I only have a month or so to reach 30 myself.

1. Whether we are single or not: OVER IT

I haven’t been single for as long as I’ve been with my partner, which is around 5 or 6 years, so it doesn’t really apply, however when we weren’t engaged I did feel a great longing for a bigger commitment for a very long time. Getting married has always been one of my life goals and to finally be carving out that path with the best guy ever, is certainly something that’s gotten me wayyyyy over the anxiety of whether I’d ever find my life partner or not.

2. Whether or not we can really afford that pair of shoes: OVER IT

This is something I’ve never really had to get over because I don’t have shoe or shopping habits to be ashamed of… even though I love makeup and beauty, I wouldn’t spend an exorbitant amount of money on it if I didn’t have it to spend (not to say that I do!). For many years I was more of a bag lady anyway, but now that phase has died down. I think I own 10 pairs of shoes, 2 pairs of which I wear very, very frequently. I probably should replace them, and I probably do stress out about whether or not I can afford new shoes, but not in the Sex And The City, glamorous way.

3. Wondering if we’ll be happier/more attractive/better at life if we lose those extra five kilos: NOT OVER IT

I don’t think I’ll ever be over this, just like many (or the majority?) of girls, I have issues with body image and weight, and even when I wasn’t as big as I am now, I still felt like I could have been lighter and thus happier/more attractive/better at life.

4. Social climbing: OVER IT

Ugh, the idea of this still shits me to tears. I never prescribed to it in school and I never liked doing it at work. I wasn’t very popular as a result, but I had friends who really cared about me and who I cared about and I feel like I truly know the meaning of love and intimacy as a result. I understand there’s a need for politics and social climbing to get certain places, but I guess I’ve never felt the need to go there.

5. Why that douche bag from the pub never called you back: OVER IT

This doesn’t apply to me at all, I’d never give out my number to a douche bag at a pub to begin with even when I was single.

6. Which of your friends are engaged/getting married: OVER IT

I would have said I wasn’t over it a few months ago when I wasn’t engaged but now that I am, I feel like a huge burden of expectation has been lifted from me and I also feel deeply committed to my fiance (more than ever). I did have anxieties about this for a long time, but now he’s put a ring on it and we’re moving forward, so I’m happier than ever.

7. Meticulous planning: NOT OVER IT

I wasn’t sure whether I was over this or not because I suppose I’ve never been a meticulous planner but I’m certainly a stickler for things like being on time and having plans organised properly. I’ve got my 30th coming up which I need to plan for in terms of decorating and catering the event and then I’ve been researching and planning our wedding so I can’t slack off there. I suppose that’s the main reason why I’m not ‘over it’ because there’s so much planning to do!

8. Toxic friendships: OVER IT

I’m always very upset when I feel like I’m losing a friend or a friendship breaks down suddenly, because it’s like I lost a part of myself as a result. I really value friendship  but over the last few years a few have broken away, some amicably and others not so much. I always feel like friendships should be reciprocal, and not neccessarily identically, but rather, in an unspoken agreed way where one person gives a certain amount of something and the other person gives a certain amount of something and both people will always feel happy and secure in that friendship, knowing that there’s as much give as there is take, whether you give or take the same things or not. It’s hard for me to truly explain, but I don’t give much away of myself very lightly, and when that bond has been broken with someone I’m incredibly sad and angry to see it break down. That being said, there have been a few toxic friendships that I’m very happy to see the back of, in hindsight, because that person was talking behind my back or being disingenuous or just taking and never giving… what’s the point of letting someone treat you that way? I wouldn’t stay friends with someone like that even if they gave me other social connections because it’s such a toxic trade off. I feel like I’m selling my soul. OVER IT!

9. Diets, food trends, #cleaneating: NOT OVER IT

I haven’t really tried the clean eating thing because I couldn’t really be bothered. It would probably benefit me more having a plant based diet overall and eating less fat, sugar and salt, but wouldn’t that benefit pretty much everyone? I’m not over it because I think I’ll always have a slightly unhealthy relationship to food which will need to be controlled and managed somehow, and it may take a ‘diet’ to do that.

10. Negativity: NOT OVER IT

Unfortunately, not over this, as there will always be an ebb and flow of negativity in my life that I won’t feel I can get over (at the time) but probably need that dose to learn a lesson in life. I don’t think life should be too negative, but there are always going to be negatives but in embracing that, you’ll also appreciate the positives far more.

I tried so hard not to cheat!

….But I cheated. I cheated on my diet for the nth time, but probably made the best progress I’ve made after repeated attempts, to be consistent.

Mark and I had a nice day together, shopping and generally doing things he hates (jokes), went for a walk with Millie and got productive stuff done and caught up on some TV shows we’re resuming now that U.S. TV is back on track (you guys are the best entertainers). We were shopping and I had temptation everywhere, from processed chain store takeaway to the yummiest and crispiest pork crackling I feel I’ve ever seen… but I resisted! I had a caesar salad for lunch (better than the KFC I was eyeing off) and snacked on fruit and general kept my text book promise to stay disciplined the whole day, which is nearly impossible for me.

All was going well even until dinner time (I’ve normally failed by lunch) when I was cooking a healthy salmon and steamed veggies, when all of a sudden Mark’s brother comes over for a board game session and brings 3 large chocolate sundaes and 2 large fries over… I couldn’t be rude and refuse…

Sigh. It seems so trivial but it’s so hard for be to be consistent, even during the course of a day which is only a mere few hours compared to the years I’ve been struggling with weight and the negative consequences of being overweight. I have many photos around the house of me in younger and healthier days where I WASN’T 30kg overweight, but I remember even back then that I had body issue problems. I thought I was FAT at 58kg. Well, if I only knew back then what was going to be staring back at me on the scales nowadays, I would have been happily content with 58kg. How deluded we are in our youth and even as I got older and fatter and less active I still thought I was ok. I wish it wasn’t so…trivial… to have a body issue problem, I wish it was as serious as having a mental illness or cancer so that people wouldn’t fob it off as some phase or rite of passage or just some minor hangup, because it’s not. It’s a pervasive, all consuming obsession that can fracture or completely break people and entire families and relationships.

Mark is trying to be very supportive. I have a whole bunch of photos around the house that had been taken at a wedding recently that I was incredibly ashamed of… I’ve since put them all on the spots that I look at like my calendar, the fridge, cupboards, etc, to remind me to face what I’ve been avoiding over the last, I’d say, 5 years, and to correct the delusion that all is ok and I’m fine the way I am, because I’m not.

Because of my weight I:

  • Feel ashamed daily
  • Go out less
  • Can’t buy the clothes I used to
  • Eat more than I should
  • Am less motivated to do anything for myself
  • Am incredibly unfit
  • Won’t be able to conceive easily when the time comes
  • Have worse endometriosis than I possibly should (although that’s debatable)
  • Cope with daily depression that’s treated medically
  • can’t sleep in the same bed as my fiance because I snore too loudly
  • Feel otherwise not who I could or should be

There is a more extensive list, but I fear this post will just spiral into a dark and moody place that no one wants to really go to, acknowledge or talk about.

Fun. Happy. Places.

Wednesday Whinge

I had a scan this morning and I massively made a mistake and completely forgot to take a course of medication that I’m meant to do before having the scan. I couldn’t believe it. I must have put the prescription and instructions away in my ‘medical’ folder and forgotten, because I NEVER forget important stuff like that. I’ve been waiting a couple of cycles for ANYTHING to happen and because it was out of sight, it was out of mind. Completely kicking myself so hard right now. I’m not the kind of person to forget those things because I make such a big effort to remember. So mad at me right now!

And in other Wednesday whinge news, I’m sick. I could feel the cough starting in the back of my throat yesterday morning and developing into something throatier and sorer all day yesterday until this morning when I came back home from my early morning scan and had to jump into bed again. Me and Millie have been snoring our little faces off all morning until I decided I needed to get up and take care of the sore throat pain. It’s nearly 30 degrees Celsius outside and I’m downing a steaming hot mug of lemon and honey. Does that potion actually, medicinally, work? It does feel good against my sore throat but whether it’s that or the butt-tonne of panadol I took that’s actually making the pain subside, I’m not entirely sure. Either or, they both seem to be working and I’m grateful.

One of the last things I feel like doing when I’m sick, is taking care of myself. I don’t rely on other people to take care of me, I mean, I just couldn’t be bothered doing things like washing my face or playing with makeup or dressing up or anything. I could barely make this cup of tea and honey and I wouldn’t have if the pain didn’t sting so much. I think that’s the worst part of being sick with a cold/flu – the pain of the sore throat. I can handle the fatigue, the headaches, even nausea and vomitting, but I find the 24hour enduring sting of a sore throat torturous. I also don’t feel like eating, which, if you know me, means something is very wrong. I have a cuppa soup somewhere stashed in the back of the pantry that I’ll tuck into if I get hungry later, but today I think you’ll find me sprawled across the sofa staring blankly at the ceiling feeling sorry for myself.